The Road to Being Jad (part 1 of 287)

I want to start putting up some posts of a more personal nature, as I want to take stock of my life and who better to share that with than all of you. I’m doing this in a mostly unstructured way. If there’s anything you’d care to know, I will try to field your questions. On the other hand, I won’t be offended if you decide to skip these posts ;-)

On the start of my 37th trip around the sun, I have completed as many years as an adult as I did as a “minor.” I’ve been thinking alot, perhaps not coincidentally, about the two halves of my life thus far and about the second half (plus or minus a bit) to come.

I was (almost) an excellent example of the kind of man that the dominant societal institutions would like to reliably create. As a young adult, I was both a believer in transcendental good and evil (thanks to the religion of my parents) and a believer in the ability to centrally engineer human society (thanks to personal success in the public school meritocracy).

These two elements combined to constrain my actions and suppress my internal judgement and feelings about every element of my life. When I left home at 18, I was a sober, politically active virgin looking for a suitable wife and a career in academia or government. A great deal of my mental energy was spent creating and maintaining increasingly complicated and convoluted intellectual defenses against internal dissent.

That began to change in my 20s. Honoring instead of suppressing my native desires not only provided a great comfort as internal discord was resolved, it also allowed consideration and analysis of the origins and nature of my wants and needs. The last several years have seen a whole host of insights into the workings of my mind as well as, I like to believe, minds in general.

While I have a great many flaws, as part of the process of internal scrutiny, I have recognized many of them, and am trying relentlessly to untangle the symptoms, discover the roots, and address them in a self-respecting way.

Throughout this process of personal exploration and growth, the fantastically flawed worldview of my early life dissolved, piecemeal, in the face of reevaluation. I have become comfortable with acceptance–all that is required of truth–of what is considered heresy and treason by a wider world.

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another landscape) of Personal and Social Coercion