. . . an examination of things of interest to jad

I have a new guilty pleasure–not sure how much mileage I’ll get out of it, but it’s off to a hell of a start. Behold, Emmett Tyrrell, founder of The American Spectator and appearing as a writer for Townhall. I think I enjoy his particular brand of right wing-authoritarian ranting because it reminds me of Onion founder and columnist Hermann Zweibel*. Beware, if you are a left wing-authoritarian who still believes in the political process, Emmett’s writings will likely fill you with white hot rage or elitist condescension, depending on how your mind responds to a nonsense narrative’s assault on your nonsense narrative.

Reading Thers at Whiskey Fire (h/t for pointing me towards Emmett) is another guilty pleasure of mine. His** party loyalty is bullet proof, which I appreciate because it gives us a modern day example of how pre-literate tribes may have been structured. Beware, if you are a right wing-authoritarian who still believes in the political process, Thers’ writings will likely fill you with white hot rage or elitist condescension, depending on how your mind responds to a nonsense narrative’s assault on your nonsense narrative.

Recently, in an moment of accidental lucidity, Emmett wrote a post in which he compared the united state’s army to the german wehrmacht: “Confronting savages — usually on their own soil — our forces have been professional to the utmost, the Wehrmacht but with democratic values!”

Yes, yes they are. Forgive me for mansplaining the obvious: “savages” and “their soil” is universal propaganda, but that aside the similarities Tyrrell is pointing out are pretty striking. Both packs of psychopaths fought/fight imperial wars of aggression far from “home” (some farther than others, more on that later). Both were highly professional–the profession of the soldier being to kill and destroy life and instruments of prosperity quickly and without remorse. I would take issue that the Wehrmacht demonstrated fewer democratic values. Democratic values enshrine the barbaric principle of “might makes right” into institutional form–the idea being that if the many can demonstrate that they can destroy the few, maybe the few will submit and physical conflict can occasionally be avoided.

So well done, Emmett. I know you didn’t mean to be so spot on, but credit where credit is due. Now stop calling foreigners “savages.” Seriously, the irony is almost too much for me.

Thers isn’t going to let this slight to the imperial army go unchallenged:

See, now, call me a liberal kook, won’t be the first time, but I’d previously been of the opinion that the Wehrmacht was comprised of the most barbarian enemy “savages” we’d ever gone after on their home turf. Or at least in the top two. But besides that, the concept of a “democratic values” Wehrmacht is a bit of a mind-bender. Even before Hitler, the Wehrmacht was inherently anti-democratic, bent on violent conquest, contemptuous of the idea of civilian authority… I suspect that what Tyrell means is that the Wehrmacht was awfully butch, but still, the fucking Wehrmacht? Comparing American troops to the fucking Wehrmacht? As praise? The fuck?

This, folks, is why the military budget of the united states is larger than the rest of the world combined. When some crazy right wing statist accidentally says something true about the military, some crazy left wing statist is going to rush to its defense, attacking right-wing guy’s accidental truth. Thers is even straw-manning Emmett, who stated the Wehrmacht lacked democratic values, to point out the non-conquest oriented, non-contemtuous, pro-democratic values of his fantasy-land u.s. army. He even concedes the use of barbarian to describe foreigners, although he does put quotes around savages–I guess that means he’s a progressive.

The rest of Emmett’s article and Thers’ response can be summed up as stodgy old back-in-my-day mysoginist vs. stodgy old** why-can’t-I-be-dictator state employee. Both entertaining writers–hence my guilty pleasure. Keep writing gents**!

*Here’s an excellent example from Emmett of his Zweibelness:

Often the Super Bowl ads depicted these patheticoes in humiliating states of catastrophe. One promoting a disgusting snack called Doritos — an inescapable insult to Latin cuisine — ended with a loutish young man wearing a dog collar and writhing on the ground, supposedly another exemplary Doritos customer.

** I apologize if Thers is young and/or female. I’ll happily change the gender of the pronouns and/or relabel Thers as a stodgy young why-can’t-I-be-dictator state employee.